I'm hopeless

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I build up all these unrealistic hopes and dreams of a relationship after I meet a nice guy and then never tell him for whatever reason. I wait for the right moment, realizing there will never be a right momement, and then he finds the perfect girl for him, who is ALWAYS someone I know.

I just want someone who can love me as much as I know I will love him.


...I feel pathetic

all in a maybe

There was hope til you said maybe
dreams until he was a possibility
now my sanity dangles on his lips
tired of waiting, praying, waking to
find a memory is all I have
didn't dare to think
pushed until IT couldn't hurt
and IT couldn't control
IT wasn't me wasn't mine wasn't
the pain that has me hitched breath clutching
at an hourglass using a hoover to pull at the grains
which have taken root
leaves us to believe love is a salt strewn field
hope is a leaking cistern
and a maybe is swaying dead in the wind

Do you know that point where you hit a wall in your life and there's just nowhere else to go?

Yeah, well I hit it and now am lying on the ground with no motivation to get up

"Help, I need somebody"

A useless list of 49 things

In an attempt to prove my selfworth (the irony being that in this creation my anaylisis is not only self deprecating but proves nothing unless anyone reads and confirms this and as all of my friends have given up, there is little reason to believe anyone will read this. So let's just pretend somebody cares enought to read what I have to say and continue.) I have made the following list of personality quirks, peculiar physical and mental traits and general oddities making me "unique." A fruitless endeavor I know but it's been on my mind for several days and who knows what will happen if it's left there to rot? Perhaps I would have concluded my hatred for soemone or found myself even more useless, but as it is I present to you the nonexistant reader:

The Quirks, Perks and Weird things of Emily

1. I am left handed and will probably die sooner because of that
2. I shoot lefty, bat righty and have no idea which way to bowl
3. My eyes are not equal distances from my nose
4. My nose is real tiny
5. I only bite my nails when I'm home
6. I hate wearing shoes (see point 49)
7. I have horrible posture
8. My hands are not as tan as my arms because I wear batting gloves alot
9. I have scars on my chest from a really bad sunburn
10. I'm not allergic to anything (and secretly laugh at people who are)
11. When I set the alarm on my clock it has to be at a number that multiplies or adds to 18
12. I hate leeches and tapeworms (and no thats not just a girl thing)
13. Being alone with guys still kind of makes me uncomfortable
14. I hate hospitals and taking pain medication
15. I won't get plastic surgery to fix the scar on my face
16. I yell, swear, make weird noises and have intelligent conversations in my sleep
17. One of my nervous habits is running my hands over my head to catch loose hairs
18. My hands get really sweaty for no reason at all
19. I paint my nails and then scrape it off over the day
20. I have a poor sense of rythm
21. I'm uncomfortable with my body
22. At large parties I'm either socially awkward or a social butterfly it depends
23. I won't smoke because a)I'll probably get addicted and b) it'll ruin my voice
24. I'm very vain about my voice
25. I trip alot
26. I love cooking and baking good food because it always surprises people
27. When it rains I turn my face to the sky
28. I squeek sometimes
29. I hardly ever wear makeup
30. I don't really care if things are dirty
31. When playing sports I do everything I can to get hurt so people will feel sorry for me
32. I have never injured myself playing a sport
33. High pain and cold tolerance (I'm swedish)
34. I hate people touching my stomach
35. I hardly ever win verbal fights because I'm not quick enough with comebacks or insults
36. I love pickles and strawberries
37. I'm kind of violent
38. I have am extremely good with directions and maps
39. As a child I drowned and had to be given cpr
40. I love old lady candies (butterscotch and strawberry cremes)
41. I think old men are cute
42. I am intolerant of stupid people
43. I'll try any kind of food once
44. In church I look for cute boys and then apologize to god
45. I can be a coward and hate myself for it
46. Little dogs scare me and big dogs are freaking amazing
47. I hate myself for never being enough of these things: smart, pretty, skinny, girly, sporty, mainstream, confident, religious, perceptive, a singer, open, witty, poltical, understanding,
48. I love myself for being: perky, an idealist, never quitting, sticking up for people, playing with the boys, giving people hope, knowing just what to say, Irish, catholic, finding just the right gift for people, never letting people get a big head, creative, impulsive
49. My one female indulgence is cute shoes, which sit in my closet next to my hiking boots and cleats

Here's what I think

YOU ARE rude and inconsiderate, selfish and use people

YOU DON'T deserve my attention, my love, my consideration

I REFUSE to feel that way ever again, to be ignored and to play games

I SHOULD know better by now, apologize, get over it

I AM different, changed, still a flirt, stubborn

I WANT more, strength, nothing

YOU SHOULD KNOW it won't be the same, I'm not easy, I love you...despite it all

and yet, what a fictional character says applies for both

"Don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature.

I crave your company too much to do what I should"

~Edward

Smile though your heart is aching

This isn't who I am
I've lost the balance, lost all the faith and hope that used to be a part of me
I'm bitter and angry, unsatisfied
I don't want to be that person
I want to be happy, to smile and flirt,
I'm trying I'm trying so hard and still none of it makes sense

I wish there was a place, a place I could go where my life was spread out before me, the good and the bad. Every decision and memory in its place. And then I could sort through it all, rearrange, choose who I want to be.

I can fix it, it's all there...I can make it better

I'm as confused as you

I saw a man with a top hat today, he might have had a cane as well...I was too bamboozled to notice