To find something to believe in

I'm hopeless

2009-11-02T23:45:00.003-06:00

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I build up all these unrealistic hopes and dreams of a relationship after I meet a nice guy and then never tell him for whatever reason. I wait for the right moment, realizing there will never be a right momement, and then he finds the perfect girl for him, who is ALWAYS someone I know.

I just want someone who can love me as much as I know I will love him.

...I feel pathetic

all in a maybe

2009-02-28T20:38:00.002-06:00

There was hope til you said maybe
dreams until he was a possibility
now my sanity dangles on his lips
tired of waiting, praying, waking to
find a memory is all I have
didn't dare to think
pushed until IT couldn't hurt
and IT couldn't control
IT wasn't me wasn't mine wasn't
the pain that has me hitched breath clutching
at an hourglass using a hoover to pull at the grains
which have taken root
leaves us to believe love is a salt strewn field
hope is a leaking cistern
and a maybe is swaying dead in the wind

2009-01-05T15:01:00.002-06:00

Do you know that point where you hit a wall in your life and there's just nowhere else to go?

Yeah, well I hit it and now am lying on the ground with no motivation to get up

"Help, I need somebody"

A useless list of 49 things

2008-09-06T23:16:00.008-05:00

In an attempt to prove my selfworth (the irony being that in this creation my anaylisis is not only self deprecating but proves nothing unless anyone reads and confirms this and as all of my friends have given up, there is little reason to believe anyone will read this. So let's just pretend somebody cares enought to read what I have to say and continue.) I have made the following list of personality quirks, peculiar physical and mental traits and general oddities making me "unique." A fruitless endeavor I know but it's been on my mind for several days and who knows what will happen if it's left there to rot? Perhaps I would have concluded my hatred for soemone or found myself even more useless, but as it is I present to you the nonexistant reader:

The Quirks, Perks and Weird things of Emily

I am left handed and will probably die sooner because of that
I shoot lefty, bat righty and have no idea which way to bowl
My eyes are not equal distances from my nose
My nose is real tiny
I only bite my nails when I'm home
I hate wearing shoes (see point 49)
I have horrible posture
My hands are not as tan as my arms because I wear batting gloves alot
I have scars on my chest from a really bad sunburn
I'm not allergic to anything (and secretly laugh at people who are)
When I set the alarm on my clock it has to be at a number that multiplies or adds to 18
I hate leeches and tapeworms (and no thats not just a girl thing)
Being alone with guys still kind of makes me uncomfortable
I hate hospitals and taking pain medication
I won't get plastic surgery to fix the scar on my face
I yell, swear, make weird noises and have intelligent conversations in my sleep
One of my nervous habits is running my hands over my head to catch loose hairs
My hands get really sweaty for no reason at all
I paint my nails and then scrape it off over the day
I have a poor sense of rythm
I'm uncomfortable with my body
At large parties I'm either socially awkward or a social butterfly it depends
I won't smoke because a)I'll probably get addicted and b) it'll ruin my voice
I'm very vain about my voice
I trip alot
I love cooking and baking good food because it always surprises people
When it rains I turn my face to the sky
I squeek sometimes
I hardly ever wear makeup
I don't really care if things are dirty
When playing sports I do everything I can to get hurt so people will feel sorry for me
I have never injured myself playing a sport
High pain and cold tolerance (I'm swedish)
I hate people touching my stomach
I hardly ever win verbal fights because I'm not quick enough with comebacks or insults
I love pickles and strawberries
I'm kind of violent
I have am extremely good with directions and maps
As a child I drowned and had to be given cpr
I love old lady candies (butterscotch and strawberry cremes)
I think old men are cute
I am intolerant of stupid people
I'll try any kind of food once
In church I look for cute boys and then apologize to god
I can be a coward and hate myself for it
Little dogs scare me and big dogs are freaking amazing
I hate myself for never being enough of these things: smart, pretty, skinny, girly, sporty, mainstream, confident, religious, perceptive, a singer, open, witty, poltical, understanding,
I love myself for being: perky, an idealist, never quitting, sticking up for people, playing with the boys, giving people hope, knowing just what to say, Irish, catholic, finding just the right gift for people, never letting people get a big head, creative, impulsive
My one female indulgence is cute shoes, which sit in my closet next to my hiking boots and cleats

Here's what I think

2008-05-06T17:04:00.003-05:00

YOU ARE rude and inconsiderate, selfish and use people

YOU DON'T deserve my attention, my love, my consideration

I REFUSE to feel that way ever again, to be ignored and to play games

I SHOULD know better by now, apologize, get over it

I AM different, changed, still a flirt, stubborn

I WANT more, strength, nothing

YOU SHOULD KNOW it won't be the same, I'm not easy, I love you...despite it all

and yet, what a fictional character says applies for both

"Don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature.

I crave your company too much to do what I should"

~Edward

Smile though your heart is aching

2008-01-22T23:30:00.000-06:00

This isn't who I am
I've lost the balance, lost all the faith and hope that used to be a part of me
I'm bitter and angry, unsatisfied
I don't want to be that person
I want to be happy, to smile and flirt,
I'm trying I'm trying so hard and still none of it makes sense

I wish there was a place, a place I could go where my life was spread out before me, the good and the bad. Every decision and memory in its place. And then I could sort through it all, rearrange, choose who I want to be.

I can fix it, it's all there...I can make it better

I'm as confused as you

2008-01-13T21:02:00.000-06:00

I saw a man with a top hat today, he might have had a cane as well...I was too bamboozled to notice

Oh today

2006-09-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today I finally realized I've grown up. I can't go back to neverland and I should probably stop watching cartoons. I finally realized that I'm a senior now and that while I shouldn't envy people for their talents because I have my own. Shall I make a list of people and their awesomeness alright here it goes because I feel like complementing people because they should realize how awesome they are

Emily Dunne: she makes me smile because she tells the truth and I know she's going to be one kick ass teacher or whatever when life takes her there
Liana: she is always there for a funny or for a tear whatever the case; she has the biggest heart I know
Carl: he cares for everyone, has the best sense of humor all on top of being a great actor
Nick: he amuses/confuses me to no end and someday he will be great and I envy him for it
Cavya: she makes everyone feel gorgeous like her and always let's you know how she's feeling
Danielle: she's beatiful inside and out as well as super intelligent
Mike S: he's always ready for a joke or just there when you need him
Katie W: she exudes confidence, altoness and is stuck in permanetn icecream mode
Lauren D: she never takes a bad picture and graceful and adorable
Lauren B: witty, pretty and loves music now if only some guy could see that
Kelsey: She's quirky and fun and watches fosters, she will always be a kid with a smile that makes you smile
PJ: a guy who can wear a poncho with style and has the most courage I have ever seen
Tori: girl with a pearl, she's got talent but doesn't let it go to her head, she's unique and doesn't put up with crap
Zach B: a mini mr meilcarz with all the talent
Zack H: an encyclopedia of fun facts and he always makes me happy
Kiley: she loves her horse and knows what she wants
Erin: I've always been stuck behind her in eveything she's always had confidence and talent seems almost fearless
Liz S: she's as crazy as me when noone's looking and shouldn't worry aobut what people think because she's all I have and I love her b/c I have to

if you guys don't like it I'm sorry. But today when I was sitting in the theater watching nick and carl being... well nick and carl I was reminded of my freshman year watching brady and adrian on a similar but different stage. At the time I thought they were perfect the best thing since sliced bread. They were so grownup so much more talented than I could ever hope to be. And then I saw it, I saw it in everyone in our theater, the adult we would grow up to be and it made me ink because even though I say I"m not ready I know that I have to be. I've tried to ignore the fact that I'm not a kid anymore. My face has changed and I see through someone elses eyes. I realize now that adrian and brady weren't perfect they were people. We all mean something different to everyone, just thought I'd let you all know what you mean to me
~Em

People in Hats...and dresses

2006-07-18T20:18:00.000-05:00

The List

2006-07-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

I want to wear cat ears without feeling odd
I want to write good poetry
I want to say what I mean and have other people understand
I want to buy a pair of hooker boots
I want to be kissed more in real life than on stage
I want to not feel awkward in a bathing suit
I want to roll around in the mud and not get yelled at
I want to run for hours on end
I want to dance and look good doing it
I want to know what good music is
I want a guy to tell me I'm pretty and mean it
I want to drink pop and not feel guilty
I want lie in the rain
I want to remember back to when I was happy without thinking aobu tit
I want to be able to tan
I want to swim in the ocean
I want to try new foods
I want my eyes to be the same distance from my nose
I want to be smart without trying
I want to make my father proud
I want my oatmeal to be sticky
I want to play rugby
I want people to take me seriously
I want my dog to stop breathing on me
I want to be able to sit through a horror movie
I want to be a girly girl
I want to be able to put on makeup like everyone else
I want to wear pretty colothing
I want to be more confident
I want to wear funny hats
I want people to understand that I'm not perky and peppy all the time
I want people to know I have no idea what I'm doing
I want a cute boy to cuddle with me
I want to have more than one personality
I want to go to the Swiss Alps and sing "the Hills are alive with the sound of music"
I want to catch a cloud in a bottle
I want to break stereotypes
I want to wear the color pink and not feel dumb
I want to climb the tallest tree in the world
I want to sing on an empty stage
I want to learn everything there is to know about theatre
I want to meet pirate
I want to climb a canyon
I want to be a pirate
I want to go to a wild party and let go
I want to have a funny name
I want to save someones life
I want to be a real nerd
I want to ride a horse
I want to flirt obviously with someone who's oblivious
I want to try curry
I want to belly dance
I want to find work that I love
I want to read music
I want to be remembered
I want someone to kiss me because they want to not because they have to or because he feels like it
I want to love and be loved in return
I want to play an instrument
I want to be a Victorian Lady
I want to work in theatre
I want to drive fast down a country lane
I want to jump off the high dive
I want win the lottery
I want to I get drunk just once
I want my room to stay clean
I want to dye my hair purple
I want to be a little kid again
I want to know what I want
I want to travel the world
I want to wear tight clothing and fit in
I want to dress like Pink and stand out
I want to be able to cook well
I want to know how to use technology
I want to be wild and free and never have to depend on anyone but myself
I want to be a bond girl
I want to live 3 decades back
I want my hair to work
I want to believe in magic

So that's what they mean when they say "this big"

2006-07-02T19:17:00.000-05:00

So despite my somewhat dirty title, I swear there is a purpose. Right now I smell of fish am tired and more happy than I have been in a long time. I woke up this morning at 4am to go fishing on lake Michigan. I went out on a boat with 2 old lake men and my family(I don't care what you say grumpy old men are awesome) Now for some of you this may not sound like fun at all, but I enjoyed it. Seeing the sun rise as water surrounds in every direction, the mist sprays my face and the breeze was just enougg to keep the hair out of my face. My father and I were the only ones to catch anything; everyone else was sleeping. I caught a 15 pound "this big" king salmon. It took me about 5 minutes to reel in and it was fighting me the entire way. Alright that topic is retired onto ... american spirit.

My father came home from Kansas City where he works during the week with about 5 bags of fireworks, which I think amounts to about 20lbs of explosives. Yay for the American pratice of celebrating our incorrect birthday by using dangerous explosives. That's about as American as apple pies and baseball (speaking of which did anyone catch the Sox vrs Cub cross town classic, that's what I thought stupid cubs fans (I'm pointing my finger at all of you), throwing garbage on your own field, Pierzynski rocks my socks.)

So because all of you are drama people I figured I could ask your opinions on one particular subject that has been causing me distress. I'm doing Beauty and the Beast this summer in which I was lucky enough to get Mrs. Potts and b/c it's double cast I get 2 nights Fri. and Sat. Which normally I wouldn't mind because those are the better nights. Here's the deal though Friday night is the Championship game for my softball team, which we may not even make it to. I'm the oldest girl on the team and somewhat of a leader, if only because I'm loud and never shutup with saying crazy things. Annnnd on the day of the championship game the girl who is normally the catcher will be gone, I'm the backup catcher and I would be gone and the girl who is my backup would be gone. If you haven't noticed a catcher is a important part to the game. So the thing is I can change the date of which performance I'm Potts in and I'm wondering if I should, after all there is a chance that we won't even make it to the game. I'm going insane I don't even know what to do anymore, someone please help!!!

Ooo guess what I got my ACT scores back and this time I scored better, I'm not going to say what it is because you all are probably going to show me up, so there. Let's just say I'm smart but not super smart.

Hey ladies guess what movie I'm watching?
Let's get down to business to defeat the huns, did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?
We must be swift as a coursing river
mysterious as the dark side of the moon
(I know they're not in order but I can't type that fast)

That's it for now, so bye, so long and farewell
~Em

Of Bakesales and whatnot

2006-06-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

Just in case I don't see you people or you need a reminder, I'm having a shindig full of fun and other... stuff. this saturday around 6ish. After all the chicos leave, us chicas can have another bakesale and help some more orphans. That's right wipe the drool boys. Let me know if you can come chicas, so I'm not just talking to myself. Some of you know where I live some of you don't so just plug this into mapquest "328 Barnaby Dr. Oswego". Any questions talk to me or don't and be confused.
~Em

2006-06-09T11:07:00.000-05:00

iamnothing

Childish Dreams

2006-05-28T16:03:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and my feet were dirty. Oh to have joy

I walked alone

2005-11-04T17:43:00.000-06:00

Hmm I swear I almost made my English Teacher cry with this one, when I was done she stared at me and asked if I sang because I had a lovely voice for reciting and I was just like oh ok that's cool so here it is

I walked alone and for that I miss
the joys of present company
I walked alone wand'ring about,
finding all that others lost

The wisful, mourning wind
brough tale from afar
Haunting laughter,
burning memories
of hwat culd have been
and now will never be
Lives of children blown away
on a brisk, fall breeze

I had the world and had but none
for all there was, was naught
I danced a dance for theose who couldn't
and those whose fear won over
I found the path, the golden cup
The endless trail of time
The stars began to cry

I walk alone and for that I saw
the dreams of all mankind
I walked alone a sinners life
Doomed to silent cries